Talk About Crazy.

I'm not going to lie to you. This semester, especially in this present moment, is becoming extremely overwhelming. Being behind in my schoolwork, missing home, feeling like I didn't adequately transition from summer into sophomore year... not sure I planned this out very well. Maybe I should've taken that last week of camp off and given myself time to be with family and relax before the madness of school began. Either way, I'm here now, barely past mid-semester and I've got to find some way to cope. I can either be down about it and rough through it or make the most of it and rough through it. Seems like the latter is the better choice cut out for me.

The more life I've been through, the more I feel like I've reached the end of my rope and arrived at a place where I cannot go any further without God. Here I am again, in that same moment. Needing God, needing rest, needing peace.

The enemy likes to take anything that's good and warp it into something twisted and wicked. Being future-minded can easily cause us to be less-than-present and miss out on the opportunities before us. Being an extrovert can easily lead us into getting so caught up in social life that one gets burnt out, or in my case, leave you feeling like you've got less of those "deep and meaningful friendships" that you'd hoped for. There's a shadow side to every "strength" (APU loves talking about the Strengths-Finder Test, as do I; ask anyone who goes here about the former), a snare that awaits us in each good thing if we're not careful. I'm not telling you this to make you paranoid; I'm telling you this to make you aware. There's no need to worry about it; just be knowledgable so you can avoid any traps or pitfalls that you may easily fall into.

There's a song by Tenth Avenue North titled "Don't Stop the Madness" that fits my life pretty well at the moment. Although it portrays a prayer that typically does not get prayed, it's one that I'm striving to live by, one that gives me hope that God will use the madness and the chaos in my life for something good. The lyrics read:

There’s a beggar down inside of me
Standing on the corner of your street
And my shame is my only company
Could use some cash but can’t admit my need
For what You got and what I could receive
I need Your love to come and break the silence

Don’t stop the madness
Don’t stop the chaos
Don’t stop the pain surrounding me
Don’t be afraid, Lord, to break my heart
Just bring me down to my knees, yeah

But all I hear is what they’re selling meThat God is love, He isn’t suffering
And what you need’s a little faith in prosperity
But oh, my God, I know there’s more than this
If You promise pain, it can’t be meaningless
So make me poor if that’s the price for freedom

Don’t stop the madnessDon’t stop the chaos
Don’t stop the pain surrounding me
Don’t be afraid, Lord, to break my heart
If it bring me down to my knees, yeah

In a marriage lostAnd the cry in the dark
Don’t stop with Your love
In a mother’s tear
For the child who starves
Don’t stop with Your love
When we’re breaking down
We’re falling apart
Don’t stop with Your love
And with new eyes to see
This is Your mercy
Don’t stop with Your love

Don’t stop the madnessDon’t stop the chaos
Don’t stop the pain inside of me
Do whatever it takes to give me Your heart
And bring me down to my knees, Lord
Don’t stop, don’t stop
Just bring me down to my knees, Lord

And that's the prayer I want to pray on a daily basis. Don't stop the madness, Lord. Bring me to my knees, for in light of You... I can do all things and live life abundantly.

Like A Dream

I sit here and I'm stressed. Stressed because I'm behind in several of my classes. My job training consumed most of my last three weekends, having me work eight hours a day. Now, with job training finally over (which is truly a relief), it's all catching up with me. Everything I haven't done in the last couple of weeks has thrown itself at me, all at once.

And then I stop. I sit and I listen. The sun is shining, a slight breeze blows around me, and nature is taking its course. Nature isn't worried. The bees aren't worried. So why do I worry? Shoot, I guess it's a part of being human (see Matthew 6:25-34).

For whatever reason, especially since the beginning of this school year, I've found myself to be in a constant state of awareness, especially in regards to APU: the fact that I'm attending a university with incredible professors, a community that's unlike any other, and the opportunities that exist here. Even now, a quarter of the way through my sophomore year in college, it still seems unreal. I keep expecting to wake up and realize that this is all a dream. Maybe part of it is because I'm 1,000 miles away from home. Maybe part of it is because it's so mutually exclusive from my life back home. All I know is... it feels like a dream. Because it seems like a dream, because it seems unreal, I make sure not to take it for granted. Any moment I find myself in, whether hanging out in the living room with my roommates or listening to a lecture, I take a step back and look at what's going on. Realizing how blessed I am is a part of that process.

When I leave APU I want to feel like I've left a legacy. Leaving a legacy is something that gets talked about often, but I wonder how many people actually take that challenge seriously. It's so easy to get caught up in all the things going on around us that we forget about the bigger picture, the grander scheme of things. Life is more than school. Life is more than mid-terms and homework and lectures. Life is more than social life and school dances. Our purpose and the things we're called to in the grander scheme of life should not be forgotten. We're called to make a difference. To change the world. The challenge the world. To stand up for the broken, the beaten, the forgotten. Whether we do this through teaching six-year-olds in a classroom, janitorial work, or starting a non-profit organization, all that matters is that we're pursuing our calling.

So what's your calling? In the grander scheme of life, what's your purpose? What are you going to pursue? Does it benefit you or does it benefit others?

Questions like these are not bad questions to ask yourself on a daily basis.

And so we face this thing called life, sometimes feeling like reality and other times seeming like a dream. I think it's safe to say that wherever we are in life, whatever we go through, that God has dreams for us and He wants us to be a part of creating His story. If He didn't we wouldn't be here.

God has good things in store for you. He makes all things work together for the good of those who love Him.

And that's the truth.

Purpose

I sit here and wonder, "Is this where I'm supposed to be? If not here... where else would I go?" And I'm not sure if it's a bad thing that I think that way sometimes. It's almost as if the only thing keeping me where I am is the fact that I have no clue where else I'd go. Is this good? Bad? I'm not entirely sure.

It's at times like this that I have to trust God with where He has me. As hard as it is to be present, to be where I'm at, I figure He has me here for a reason. He has a plan for me. The hardest yet most beautiful aspect of that is the fact that I have only the smallest of glimpses of His plan.

I think it's safe to say that if you're not being challenged where you're at, that may not be where God wants you. After all, taking up our crosses and dying unto ourselves is not easy. Life was never meant to be easy. The struggle is a crucial part of what it means to be human. The most beautiful things come out of some sort of struggle. A statue has to be chiseled. A pearl begins with an irritation. A baby comes out of the pain of childbirth.

Pain. It's necessary.

Somewhere in that pain is God. Not that He causes it but rather He brings beauty out of it.

"For we know that God makes all things for the good of those who love Him, for those who are called according to His purpose." [Romans 8:28]