Post-Grad.

37 days.

37 days from now, I will be moving to Bangkok. It's crazy to think about. It doesn't even seem real, which is perpetuated by the fact that I have never been there before. It's so abstract, so "out there," it's hard to imagine what life will be like once I move there. The other fact perpetuating the surreality of moving to Bangkok is the feeling that I'll only be gone for a few short months before coming home again. Thus far, the longest I've been away from home--that is, the Northwest--is seven months, which was a tough length of time to be gone. This time, it will be even longer, and I will be gone for two years. Woah.

Home is an interesting thing for me. For the most part, I always enjoy coming home and seeing everyone again. I enjoy seeing familiar places, familiar faces, and having some kind of retreat from the craziness of life. For the past four years, home has meant being on some sort of break, typically before or after a job or between semesters. However, this time around--this summer, I mean--it has been different. Home, the place where my parents and brother live, became my "home home" again. Sure, in a way, I have been on a very extended break, between school and my future job. It's felt different though. Not only did I have to adjust to living at home again, but my family had to adjust to it as well. To be honest, there were growing pains the first couple of weeks I was home this summer. What does it look like to be 22 years old, your parent's child yet legally independent while at the same time living in their house again? It's a bizarre transition, one no one can really be prepared for. I'm thankful for the grace my mom extended towards me as we both figured it out together.

Then again, moving back in with my parents and brother has only been temporary. As much as I felt like I was moving back home, I felt like I wasn't; numerous trips throughout the summer perpetuated this feeling. The longest I have been home this summer was for five straight weeks, which was also the first time I came home after graduating. It was tough. Aside from the familial-interpersonal adjustments, it was difficult on a personal level. Home represents different things for different people. For me, it represents the past, for better or worse, with all of its joyful memories as well as its difficult ones. My family lives in the same house I lived in when I was in high school, which carries with it memories of birthday parties, prom celebrations, and random hangs with friends as well as memories of my dad's passing and family struggles, to name a few. I'm all about going back to those places, particularly the difficult ones, and working through past hurts and traumas. On the other hand, sometimes we need to move on; going to familiar places can lose its benefit and become nothing more than reopening an old wound that has completely scarred over. Only when we leave those places for good do we find true healing. I'm not accusing anyone of anything; my family's situation was such that the best option was to move back into our old house, and surely no one meant anything malicious by making that decision. Home means different things for different people.

I share all of this with you to be transparent. This summer has had many joys, opportunities and memories I wouldn't trade for anything. I'm not trying to downplay those things. But this summer has also had its difficulties: ruts, anguish, and fear included. Life has its ups and downs and there's no way around that. The only thing we are in control of is how we react to it. I'll be the first to admit that frequently this summer I have let ingratitude, a bad attitude, and pride get in the way of my own growth that could have come out of the hardships. I still believe that growth has happened, but the process has been a lot slower than it needed to be had I changed my perspective.

However these next 37 days turn out, I know God's grace will be over them. That is to say, however, that that is not an adequate excuse to do whatever I want (or to do nothing at all) and let these 37 days pass by without trying to make the most of them, loving boldly and living fearlessly. When I get on that plane to Bangkok, I want to have no regrets. It's not that I want to remember a summer without any hardships or mistakes--rather, I want to remember a summer where I was as intentional as possible with everyone around me, with the time I had, and with all I had been given.

Today's a new day, and today, I choose joy.