Oppa Gangnam Style!

"How was Africa?" The question I struggled with when I came back from my semester abroad in South Africa. How do you sum up an entire four months of experience in a few words? Most didn't want any more than that. Those that did were far and few. Their availability and intentionality allowed for a few extra words, words to give life to the memory of four months' worth of experiences.

"How was Korea?" Not as difficult, but a tough question nonetheless. A question I've faced in the last couple of weeks as I got back from South Korea two weeks ago.

"Busy and exhausting, but good. Got to do some cool things and have some meaningful experiences."

Solid. Nothing but vague generalities and a question pretty much left unanswered. Meaningfully, at least.

So this is how Korea really was.

The night before we left, April 30th, we found out that our director, Harold Clousing, was admitted to the hospital for possible renal (kidney) failure. A choir tour without Harold would be like having a burrito without a tortilla; it just wouldn't work. Sure enough we were worried. I'm not sure we were worried about tour being a flop as much as we were concerned about not having our musical and spiritual mentor and friend. Harold had never not gone on tour before; again, it just didn't happen. He always went. We prayed, sent out prayer requests, and hoped for the report of a false alarm. But the report never came.

We departed for South Korea on Thursday, May 1st, without our director. It was Thursday of finals week, which meant we had to get some of our finals done ahead of time. We took off with Dave Bixby, the Executive Vice President of APU. That had been planned from the get-go; also planned was the arrival of Jon Wallace, our university's president, for the second third of tour and Steve Johnson, the Dean of the School of Music, for the final third of tour. We also had Dr. Kim, or "Mama Kim" as we came to call her, with us for the entire tour. She had planned the entire thing as she had myriad connections over in South Korea. Leading us musically was to be Michael Klein, a senior music major with a big heart for music and an even bigger heart for God. Leading us generally was our choir president, Michael McClellan, and the rest of the Board with him. They really stepped it up as far as leadership goes; it almost made it less strange that Harold wasn't there.

"Mama Kim" and I on the last day of tour

We arrived in Korea on Friday, May 2nd around 6pm. We had jumped ahead 16 hours into the future, which was kind of trippy. Our first full day, Saturday, was spent in Seoul, where we got to explore. Some friends and I ventured around and visited a Buddhist temple before taking the subway to the other side of the city to a mall complex that included "Lotte World," a theme park inside the mall. Supposedly it was "the Disneyland of Korea," but having been to Disneyland many times before I chose not to believe it as to not be disappointed. We spent the end of our afternoon near the place where we had been dropped off; there were streets with myriad shops and more than enough people. We also got to visit the Myeongdong Cathedral, which was right up the street.

Myeongdong Cathedral

Sunday, May 4th began our actual tour. We sang at two churches: one in the morning and one in the evening. The one in the evening was Myungsung Church, where we sang for a congregation of 10,000 people. We couldn't wear shoes on stage, a custom common in Korean culture (not the stage part but the "no shoes" part), and having screens all over the church made it all too distracting, as you would see yourself and try not to smile. Fortunately we got used to that and it got easier as tour went on. Singing at those two churches, as it was throughout most of tour, we sang for 20-25 minutes as a part of a church service. Although we do that on a typical tour we also usually have a full concert in the evenings; not having that in Korea took some getting used to. It was one of many things that made tour different from any other we'd been on.

Singing at Myungsung Church, the second-largest Presbyterian church in South Korea

Monday, May 5th was Children's Day, a national holiday. It was especially significant because of the ferry tragedy that had happened a few weeks prior; many parents were having their first Children's Day without their children. In the morning we visited a missionary cemetery, learning about how the Gospel was brought to Korea and the many missionaries who died in the process. It's amazing how so many sacrificed their lives in pursuit of spreading the Gospel. That afternoon we went to An San Memorial Park, where we went to the official memorial altar for the ferry tragedy. We got to put roses on the altar and singing the first part of "Arirang," a traditional Korean folk song, the lyrics of which are from a woman to a man, lovers separated but anticipating being together again. It's a song that captures many emotions, including longing, sorrow, anger, and hope. It's a song that flows from the heart of every Korean, especially in light of the ferry tragedy. Many were crying, including those of us in the choir. It was an out-of-body experience I will never forget.

A yellow ribbon, signifying hope in the safe return of the ferry tragedy victims

Tuesday, May 6th was Buddha's Birthday and we spent the day at a traditional Korean folk village. It was interesting getting to learn more about Korea's past and witness (in a sense) traditional Korean culture. My friends and I ate lunch on this elevated platform with low-rise tables where you would sit on the ground and eat (without shoes, of course). Overall it was a good day; something I appreciated about the first half of tour was that we had ample down time to rest (our voices) and recover. Things got busier as the tour went on, as we were singing multiple times a day for multiple events.

Eating lunch at the traditional Korean folk village

Wednesday, May 7th was one of those days I was talking about; we sang three times that day. In the morning we sang at Suwon Central Baptist Church. In the early afternoon we sang at a convalescent home the church had established, which was a highlight for many of the guys on tour. The woman I stood next to (we sang in the round) kept holding my hand and speaking to me in Korean; obviously I didn't know what she was saying, but I smiled and held her hand in return. Everyone there was so sweet. It was great to minister in a setting like that one; it was very different from what we usually did but I'm glad we made the trip. That evening we had a full concert at Shinchon Holiness Church; it was then that Dave Bixby flew back to the States and Jon Wallace came out to meet us.

Singing at the Suwon Central Baptist Church convalescent home

Thursday, May 8th was Parent's Day (talk about coming during holiday week!), significant for the same reason as Children's Day. Our call time that morning was the earliest it'd been all of tour, which was something like 5 am. That morning we sang at the Far East Broadcasting Company, which turned out to be a sort of church service televised internationally. Despite being tired we enjoyed singing there; again, it was an experience much different from what we usually do. We were back at the hotel by mid-morning and got to do whatever we wanted for the rest of the day. Some friends and I went into Seoul and explored some more; we walked everywhere, visiting Gyeongbok Palace, another Buddhist temple, another palace, and other places as well. That night we had dinner at a hole-in-the-wall Korean restaurant down an alleyway. It was a little sketchy, but those places usually end up having the best food; the food did end up being pretty good!

Kyle, Macklin, and I on top of a Buddhist temple

Friday, May 9th was a very full day. That morning we sang at Ewha Women's University, the leading women's university in all of South Korea, for their chapel service. We sang a song with them as well, entitled "Peace Prayer of St. Francis." After the service we took a group picture, right after which the "selfie craze" ensued. I have to admit, I myself was guilty of it. It got crazy though because someone would pull out their phone and everyone, Korean and American, would flock to them to get into the picture. The "fame" aspect of tour was yet another element that made it different from our typical tours. In America we're a bunch of college guys singing praise music; in Korea you'd have thought we were One Direction. Especially because of our mission and what we do, this was nothing short of peculiar. One would think being a ministry choir and being "celebrities" wouldn't go together, but in Korea, they sure did! There are endless stories about Korean girls who searched desperately all over Facebook to find their "true love," a Men's Chorale guy that they had randomly bumped into and said a few words to at a performance we had. We all had a good laugh about it but did our best to remember why we were in Korea in the first place. After singing for the chapel service we were given a tour of the university, and I'll tell you, it's a really nice university! The architecture, which is amazing pretty much everywhere in Korea, was beautiful. That night we sang at Yoido Full Gospel Church, the world's largest Presbyterian church, which has somewhere around 20,000 congregants that attend its services throughout the week. Globally it has about 1,000,000 members. I later found out that the service we sang for was a 9 pm to 4 am service; we only sang for 20 minutes, which was tough for some of us as the front two rows had to kneel the entire time because there weren't any risers. I have to say, it's probably one of the toughest things I've ever done! Those of us who had kneeled could hardly walk afterwards; your legs felt like lead and you had to hold onto the wall to stabilize yourself. Again, another aspect of tour that we laughed about later.

Men's Chorale guys with some of the Ewha Women's University choir members

Saturday, May 10th we sang at CBS, the Christian Broadcasting Station, with their children's choir. They sang for us, we sang for them, and we ended up doing a joint performance outside in the middle of a shopping complex. The rest of the afternoon was spent having lunch and playing a game similar to dodgeball (us Men's Chorale guys were the targets, of course). We hung out with them at a shopping center until we left. That night we sang at a choir festival--again, something we don't usually do. It was especially interesting considering that all other choirs were singing traditional choral music while we were singing praise music. It was fun to sing for and listen to other choirs though; having grown up doing choir I appreciated the exposure to choral music and other ensembles.

Men's Chorale with the CBS Children's Choir

Sunday, May 11th was spent at GwangMyung Presbyterian Church, our "home church" in Korea (we joked that every church we sang at was our home church). Jon Wallace preached, which was refreshing, as most sermons we weren't able to understand. Fortunately several of the churches we sang at during tour provided headsets so that we could listen to the sermon in English via a translator. In the morning we sang several songs for each of three services and in the evening we had a full concert. My friends, Nick and Eric, and I met a woman named Ruth whose husband's name was Boaz and their children's names were Mary, Joseph, and Hannah (all English names, of course). We spent a lot of time talking to them, including talking to Joseph about APU and Men's Chorale and how great it is. Having been hindered from developing relationships with and getting to know the Korean people for most of tour by a language barrier it was great getting to meet them and being able to have a thorough conversation with them.

Hannah, Joseph, me, Eric, Ruth, and Nick

On Monday, May 12th we went back to Ewha Women's University, where we spent the day and had a joint concert with them that night. What was cool about it was that not only did we get to sing a couple Korean pieces with them but we also got to sing some of our own repertoire with them as well. Knowing how difficult it was for us to learn the Korean pieces I had a lot of respect for them for taking the time to learn some of our pieces in English.

Tuesday, May 13th was spent at the DMZ, or Demilitarized Zone. Essentially it's a buffer zone between North and South Korea, established out of an armistice (peace agreement) at the end of the Korean War. Although it temporarily divides the two Koreas the Korean people have hopes of reunification one day. North Korea usually gets a bad rep because of its leadership, but the North Korean people as a whole are oppressed and want to be reunited with their South Korean brothers and sisters. We spent the beginning of the tour at a tourist site a little ways from the actual DMZ; there were monuments, statues, and other memorabilia there. Later we crossed into the DMZ, which required your passport, and had lunch there before going to the third of four infiltration tunnels. They were discovered by South Korea and created by North Korea as part of a plan to invade the South. We hiked far down into one tunnel that eventually took us into the original tunnel dug by North Korea. It was humid, unpaved, and you had to crouch down or lean over the entire time. The end of the tunnel (where tourists were allowed to go) was still a ways from the North Korean side of the DMZ, but it was somewhere around seven stories underground! After that we went to a lookout point that looked into North Korea. Unfortunately the weather was hazy and we couldn't see very much, but you could still see some of it, which was crazy. It's one thing to hear about a place and it's another to see it in person. Visiting the DMZ and getting to see North Korea was one of the major highlights of tour. That night we had a full concert, again singing at the Far East Broadcasting Company. It was undoubtedly one of the best performances we had on tour.

At the first tourist site we visited near the Demilitarized Zone

Wednesday, May 14th we switched hotels and traveled further south. We spent the day at Baeksoek University, rehearsing with their choir and hanging out with them in the afternoon. I ended up in a large group of Men's Chorale guys and Baeksoek University students. We basically hung out and ended up singing for each other in their campus common area. That night we sang for their chapel service.

Thursday, May 15th we sang at a seminary for their chapel service in the morning. That evening we sang with the Baeksoek University Chamber Choir for a joint concert.

Me with some of the members of the Baeksoek University Chamber Choir

Friday, May 16th we sang at an international high school. A long bus ride beforehand proved harmful to our voices as we had a pretty rough performance that morning. The school was hospitable and we were each partnered with a student (or students), who we had lunch with and hung out with until we left. Although the students I was with spoke broken English we were able to communicate fairly well. That night we sang at Gwangju City Hall with The Singers, a women's choir from the community. We sang really well that night, which became the best performance we'd had all year. It was an outstanding night of music that I'm sure we'll never forget.

Me with my hosts at the international high school we visited

Saturday, May 17th we went to an all-girls high school, which was scheduled similarly to our time at the international high school. We sang for a part of their assembly and they had some performances for us as well. Some girls did a traditional Korean dance, some others danced to a K-Pop medley, still others did a skit telling of Korea's history (of oppression) with Japan, and they ended it with a flash mob that we got to partake in the second time. It was pretty fun! After that we had lunch with our host student (there were 2-3 of us per host student) and hung out until we left. My friend Gabe and I were hosted by a girl named Ji Hoo, who was quiet but so friendly and spoke great English. When we got back to the hotel we had the rest of the day off. We started debrief, a time where guys take turns sharing whatever they want in front of the entire Chorale, and relaxed the rest of the day. We were very tired and were grateful for the time to rest.

Me, Gabe, and Ji Hoo

Sunday, May 18th was our last full day of tour. We sang at Wolgwang Church, where we spent the day. We sang for three church services in the morning, continued debrief in the afternoon, and had our final concert (of tour and the year) that night. It was a really good night. We as a Chorale have talked often about how before anything else we are worshipers and I think we really got it that night. It felt good to let it all go and worship God simply because God deserves it. After our concert we finished debrief, which ended at 12:30 am. We didn't get back to the hotel until 1 am or so and some of us ended up staying up all night. I hadn't intended on staying up all night, but my dislike for packing caused me to put it off for a while. I also wanted to hang out with the guys, seeing as it was the last night of tour and the last time many of us would be together.

The Aches of a Heart.

Today is Sunday, February 2nd, 2014.

Five years ago today was Monday, February 2nd, 2009. The day after the Steelers beat the Cardinals in the Super Bowl. That was the day my father died.

It was a day like any other. I went to school, with plenty going on. Scarlet & Gold, the choir I was in, was busy practicing for the val-o-gram fundraiser that we were putting on in a couple of weeks. In physics we were building roller coasters, which was a pretty sweet alternative to homework. Everything was normal.

When I got home from school I took a nap, did some homework, and before I knew it it was dinnertime. Mom had made sloppy joe's for dinner. We hadn't heard from Dad for a while, but I figured he had been out all day working. It wasn't usual for him to be gone until late running errands or doing things for work. Mom mentioned how she hadn't heard from him since lunch, which she seemed slightly concerned about.

A little later Grandpa Gary showed up. Said he also hadn't heard from Dad in a while. Don't worry about it, I told myself. He'll come home. He always does.

Eight o'clock rolls around and I'm on the phone with a close friend from school. We were talking about all the amazing things that God was doing on campus. I was walking around the house as I was talking to her, and I happened to come to the front windows that overlooked the street. And that's when I saw it.

A cop car, with two policemen, was parked across the street. They were getting out of the car. And that's when my heart sank: the worst had happened. There was no doubt about it. I rushed to the front door, hung up on my friend, and answered the door.

"Is your mom here?" the policeman asked. Before I could even turn around to call for her, my mom came flying down the steps. She was in her bedroom, talking on the phone, but she must've been looking out her window as well. She went out onto the front porch to talk with the officers and I recall going to the kitchen. Franticly pacing because I was getting really worried. A few seconds later I heard it.

It was the wail of a woman who had just lost her husband. The wail of a woman whose world came crashing down. The wail of a woman who was incredibly strong. The wail of a woman whose strength was taken from under her. My strength went too, and my world also came crashing down.

Tears. Lots of tears. I called anyone I could think of, anyone who would care. Most people didn't answer their phones. Go figure, I thought. One of my best friends from childhood did answer, but he couldn't understand me through the emotional wreck that I was and told me to call him back later.

My first prayer: "God, I love You. God, I love You. God, I LOVE You." All I could pray, not just on that night, but for weeks. I don't take any credit for this. I can't take any credit for it. I can't take any credit for it because on my own I'm not great. I'm not some amazing superhuman who can handle anything. I'm not some righteous, better-than-anyone human being. I am just like the rest of you. I have fears, doubts, desires, needs, and everything else typical to humanity. All of this to say I can only attribute those initial prayers to the amazing grace of an incredible God.

Everything from that point on was a blur. Dana, my brother's best friend's mom, came over. Told my brother and I to stay home. All I wanted was to leave. I had to see him. I had to see the dead body of my father to believe that he was actually gone. I was sure I was being lied to. I was sure that it was all a joke. This isn't my life, I thought. This can't be my life.

Eventually my Grandpa Gary and Aunt Christine were over. All I remember is embracing them, along with my brother, and weeping. All of us. Exclamations of grief, questions asking where my dad was, hugs trying to make sense of it all. Hugs that seemed to be our only glimpse of hope.

More family came in that night. Grandma Kathy, Papa Steve, aunts, uncles, more grandparents... more and more people came. At one point our house had 30 people sleeping in it. Floors, beds, couches, and anything else one could sleep on were all taken. I barely slept that first night. Maybe five hours.

That first morning I didn't want to eat. In fact, I wanted to starve myself. I already felt so close to the edge of my humanity and life itself; what was a little more pain? Aunt Misty made me eat. I was reluctant, but did so anyways. Figured it was probably good for me. I'm thankful for people like Aunt Misty to have helped me in the little things at that time, such as eating. She blessed me in more ways than she will ever know.

My friend Lydia called me that morning. Stepped out of class after reading the newspaper. It wouldn't have been hard for her to miss. "Kennewick man dies in fatal crash," read the front-page headlines. Seeing the name "Gary S. Conachan, Jr." didn't help either for I also carry my father's name. Answering her call assured her that it was in fact my father who had passed away and not me. Not that it made it any easier.

Grandpa Ron and one of my uncles (I think?--really, it's all a blur) took me to the store with them. We picked up a few newspapers. I read the words on the page, but I wasn't reading about my own life. I was reading about the life of another 15-year-old boy named Gary. A boy who had lost his father in a terrible car accident. I felt terrible for him. What a loss that must've been. Oh, wait. That's me. Numb. I felt numb.

I didn't go to school for two weeks. I missed classes, val-o-grams, projects, homework assignments--I missed it all. But I didn't care. Nothing else mattered at that point. Friends visited and people brought food--SO MUCH FOOD--and consolations. Pastors came with the same. I've never felt more loved or supported than I did in those two weeks. It was truly amazing.

Life had to go on. If we didn't let it, we'd debilitate ourselves and die of hopelessness. So we got up. We chose to fight, to push on. With whatever fragment of strength and will we had left, we moved forward. It felt awkward. It didn't feel right. But what choice did we have? Time pushed us along; we didn't have any say in the matter.

Losing my dad wrecked me. I lost one of my best friends, the one man who understood me more than anyone. I lost a man who loved me unconditionally, no matter what I did or said. We laughed and joked around, sometimes making him seem like the "third child." We did so much together growing up. He truly was a man with a big heart. He was extremely loving, had a gentle spirit about him, and had one of the greatest smiles--if only he'd smiled with his teeth more. Anyone that knew him knows he hated to do so; but he smiled a lot anyways. The funny, quirky things about my dad that I miss deeply.

Over the next five years I went through a lot. I overcame condemnation, a self-hatred rooted so deeply that it debilitated me. Not only did I not match up to others but I felt like I was far beyond saving. I felt like no one cared. My self-esteem was incredibly low. I was a mess.

I doubted my identity. I doubted my manhood, for if my father was the only sense of manhood I'd had to hold onto, what else did I have? Thus began the search for the thing that was within me all along. The search driven by a perceived lack, telling me that I wasn't enough and that I would only be "enough" via things external to me. Thus began a long and painful struggle. Somehow God was present through it all. Somehow God held onto me. I didn't understand it, but God knew what God was doing. God was in control and that was all that mattered; it's all that's ever mattered.

I stand here today, five years after my dad passed away and I'm a little more pieced together. I'm still broken. I've still got many struggles and things I deal with on a daily basis. But things are getting better. Little by little, things are improving. It doesn't mean that I have to fake it--though it's tempting and I have succumbed to it often--or be perfect. I never will be perfect. But I do have the power to be real. I can be authentic to everyone around me. And so I strive to be.

I also strive to find all my security and affirmation in Christ alone. My identity doesn't depend on the affirmation of others nor the amount of Facebook or Instagram likes I receive. (You laugh, but how many of us subconsciously think that?! I know I have!) Encouragement from others is edifying and taken seriously, but it's not the lifeblood from which I live. I say this more out of faith than anything. I want it to be true in my life. I so desperately want it to be true in my life.

God loves each and every one of you.

We don't understand tragedy and we probably never will.

The One we can always trust in is God.

God is always faithful and always in control.

Whatever happens in life, we can always move forward. We can always pick ourselves back up and choose to live for a purpose so much greater than our own. It's not a life of faking it or having to be strong all the time, no; in fact, it's a life that requires being real and honest, both in the good and the bad, admitting your strengths and your struggles, and depending on God and others. God comes first and is our everything. But we're also called to live with each other. We're to carry each other, sharpen each other, and support each other. If there's anything you get from this post I hope you know that there is hope. Trust and believe that there is hope. You are loved and valued more than you may ever know. Live for God's purposes and God's Kingdom and everything else will fall into place. Again, it doesn't mean life will be easy or perfect--in fact, it most likely will be the opposite--but Christ is the Solid Rock on which we stand.

And it is on that Rock that I share my story.

To GOD be all glory.

Good Friday

I just watched "The Passion of the Christ" for the second time this month.

The first time I watched it, it moved me in a way I could never describe. Not only did I realize that I give myself a hard time when I don't deserve it as Christ died so that I wouldn't have to be condemned or shamed, but I also realized how real our God is. Jesus is real. God is real. Real human beings really put Jesus Christ of Nazareth to death. He really died and really rose again. Need I say more? I'm convicted by the fact that I seldom understand this. I hardly ever get it. Most of the time, when I talk about Christ or Christianity, it's as if it's some abstract thing. I had to ask myself, why does it become this way? Maybe it's the fact that we tell the story over and over again. Maybe it's the fact that we've thought about it so many times that we feel like we can't get anything new out of it. Maybe it's because we're far removed from it. I know why in my own life it becomes this way; it's up to you to figure it out for yourself.

After watching "The Passion" tonight, all I can think of is the conviction that I'm not doing the Gospel justice. I'm not living the way I should be. I will never measure up to all of the things that God has called me to. Perfection? Nope. A sinless life? Nope. These things are impossible... without God. What a humbling statement this is! Not only are we nothing without God, but He has to be a part of the equation! With Him I can live righteously. I can live a holy life pleasing to Him. I can be sanctified. I may never attain all of the things He has for me and become the man He sees me to be on this side of Heaven, but the good news is that that is okay. All I can do is seek Him with all I have. I can only give Him my best, picking myself up when I fall and striving towards the Kingdom.

We are called to live selflessly. We are called to love others and not expect anything back. We called to deny ourselves, to pick up our cross, and to follow Him. I will be the first to admit that I am consistently falling short of these things. I do the opposite of them on a daily basis.

Where do you stand? When you look into the eyes of the Savior, what do you see?

Are you being stagnant, or are you being sanctified?

Salvation. Sanctification. They're what Christ died for on this very day over two-thousand years ago.

This day that we call, "Good Friday".