Let It Go

The Disney cliché, as overplayed as it might be, rings true for a lot of things in life. Many times we just need to let things go.

It's a new month now and I am entering my fourth full week here in Bangkok. Last week was probably my best week yet, not only because the pace of life picked up a little but also because my emotional and mental wellbeing were in the best place they've been yet. As each week passes by, I feel more settled, more at home, and more in a routine here. As much as I complain about life getting monotonous and wanting change and adventure, it's nice, reaching that point. As human beings, we do well with structure... for the most part.

I'll be honest with you. It's been hard letting go of my "past life" - relationships, hobbies, etc. - that used to be prevalent in my life but are not anymore, simply because I live in a country and culture vastly different from my own. I haven't even been here for a month yet, so I am certainly doing my best to extend grace towards myself - it's O.K. to struggle when we're transitioning and adjusting to a new way of life. Heck, it's O.K. to struggle period. The reality is, however, that I can't hang onto those things - the things of my "past life" - forever. My life is here, in Bangkok, now. Although it does not mean forgetting about or writing off people and things from back home, it does mean things are going to look different and will continue to look different as time goes on. Although my body got here in 19 hours, my soul is taking a good, long while to catch up to it. The physical journey is short compared to the journey the soul takes to get somewhere new, let alone a new country and culture.

I'll be honest - I miss a lot of things from back home. I miss my friends. I miss my family. I miss having a substantial social life and going out on weekends. I miss having a gym membership and being able to eat whatever I want, when I want. I miss good coffee. I miss air conditioning. I miss having a real bed. The list goes on.

It may not be bad in and of itself to miss these things - it's entirely human to experience feelings of longing. What I need to be careful of, however, is letting these things cause me to miss out on my life here because I am too preoccupied with home and the things there that I miss. At some point, I need to move on and just let them go.

--

Rather than overwhelm myself with myriad blogs and updates about each and every detail and thought regarding my new life here in Bangkok, I've decided to do fewer, more meaningful updates as they come to mind. I'll never be able to capture the entirety of my experiences here in words, written or spoken, but that's O.K. Really, that's the reality and beauty of life itself. The human experience is most meaningful when it transcends words.

Bear with me these next two years. It's going to be a wild ride.

Post-Grad.

37 days.

37 days from now, I will be moving to Bangkok. It's crazy to think about. It doesn't even seem real, which is perpetuated by the fact that I have never been there before. It's so abstract, so "out there," it's hard to imagine what life will be like once I move there. The other fact perpetuating the surreality of moving to Bangkok is the feeling that I'll only be gone for a few short months before coming home again. Thus far, the longest I've been away from home--that is, the Northwest--is seven months, which was a tough length of time to be gone. This time, it will be even longer, and I will be gone for two years. Woah.

Home is an interesting thing for me. For the most part, I always enjoy coming home and seeing everyone again. I enjoy seeing familiar places, familiar faces, and having some kind of retreat from the craziness of life. For the past four years, home has meant being on some sort of break, typically before or after a job or between semesters. However, this time around--this summer, I mean--it has been different. Home, the place where my parents and brother live, became my "home home" again. Sure, in a way, I have been on a very extended break, between school and my future job. It's felt different though. Not only did I have to adjust to living at home again, but my family had to adjust to it as well. To be honest, there were growing pains the first couple of weeks I was home this summer. What does it look like to be 22 years old, your parent's child yet legally independent while at the same time living in their house again? It's a bizarre transition, one no one can really be prepared for. I'm thankful for the grace my mom extended towards me as we both figured it out together.

Then again, moving back in with my parents and brother has only been temporary. As much as I felt like I was moving back home, I felt like I wasn't; numerous trips throughout the summer perpetuated this feeling. The longest I have been home this summer was for five straight weeks, which was also the first time I came home after graduating. It was tough. Aside from the familial-interpersonal adjustments, it was difficult on a personal level. Home represents different things for different people. For me, it represents the past, for better or worse, with all of its joyful memories as well as its difficult ones. My family lives in the same house I lived in when I was in high school, which carries with it memories of birthday parties, prom celebrations, and random hangs with friends as well as memories of my dad's passing and family struggles, to name a few. I'm all about going back to those places, particularly the difficult ones, and working through past hurts and traumas. On the other hand, sometimes we need to move on; going to familiar places can lose its benefit and become nothing more than reopening an old wound that has completely scarred over. Only when we leave those places for good do we find true healing. I'm not accusing anyone of anything; my family's situation was such that the best option was to move back into our old house, and surely no one meant anything malicious by making that decision. Home means different things for different people.

I share all of this with you to be transparent. This summer has had many joys, opportunities and memories I wouldn't trade for anything. I'm not trying to downplay those things. But this summer has also had its difficulties: ruts, anguish, and fear included. Life has its ups and downs and there's no way around that. The only thing we are in control of is how we react to it. I'll be the first to admit that frequently this summer I have let ingratitude, a bad attitude, and pride get in the way of my own growth that could have come out of the hardships. I still believe that growth has happened, but the process has been a lot slower than it needed to be had I changed my perspective.

However these next 37 days turn out, I know God's grace will be over them. That is to say, however, that that is not an adequate excuse to do whatever I want (or to do nothing at all) and let these 37 days pass by without trying to make the most of them, loving boldly and living fearlessly. When I get on that plane to Bangkok, I want to have no regrets. It's not that I want to remember a summer without any hardships or mistakes--rather, I want to remember a summer where I was as intentional as possible with everyone around me, with the time I had, and with all I had been given.

Today's a new day, and today, I choose joy.

Let Us Not Grow Weary

"And let us not grow weary of doing good, for in due season we will reap, if we do not give up" (Galatians 6:9, ESV, emphasis mine).

This verse has been weighing heavily on my heart lately. Subconsciously, it's been there for the last couple of years. Consciously, it came up during my cohort meeting for H.I.S.years (the mission program I got accepted into) last Tuesday. A day or two later I received in an email the "verse of the day" from Bible Gateway, per usual, and the verse that day was none other than Galatians 6:9. It's funny, I was trying to remember which verse talked about not growing weary. That was my thought when I received that email.

In my last post I talked about being stuck in the doldrums of life, feeling like I'd been in a rut for so long, a rut I'd been fighting on a regular basis. It's been a little over a month since then and I can't say much has changed. It's something I'm still fighting, which might be an effect of senioritis. My fellow soon-to-be-graduates know what I'm talking about.

Last Tuesday I began to deal with the onset of a sore throat, which progressed throughout the week and had me near dead by the end of it (okay, I might be exaggerating a little). We had Friday off of school, which I was extremely thankful for; it gave me an extra day to stay at home and get some much needed R&R (rest and recovery). It also forced me to stop. I canceled the plans I had made for both Friday and Saturday, which meant I spent most of those days at home, mostly by myself. This led to much reflection, which is part of the reason why I'm writing this post. To stop and reflect though, especially at this point in the semester, is something I've greatly needed. Our human tendency is to forget. We forget who we are, forget what we've been through, forget who God is, forget what He's done. We are in constant need of a reminder. If you need any proof, just look at the narrative of the Israelites' wilderness wanderings--they forgot all the time.

So who are we?

We are God's children, a chosen people, a priesthood, a light to the world. We have been saved by grace, we are forgiven, and we have been redeemed. We are constantly being sanctified, we have purpose, and ours lives are meant to mean something. They do mean something and they are valuable.

What have we been through?

Maybe it was our parents' divorce, maybe we moved around a lot as a kid. Maybe someone close to us passed away, or maybe we were in a serious relationship that ended in disaster. We've been through good things too, though. Great things, even. We've been blessed by the love of those around us, we've seen new parts of the world, we've been blessed with a new job or financial provision. Maybe we were able to go to college, buy a house, get married, or start a family (though less of us early 20-somethings have probably been through the latter three). Needless to say we've been through many hardships and faced many struggles, but we've seen many victories, too. We've seen some of the greatest joys that life has to offer.

Who is God?

He is the Creator of the cosmos and He is sovereign over all things. He is in control of everything. Sometimes He allows certain things to happen for reasons we do not and may not ever understand. He is love, He holds all wisdom, and He owns the cattle on a thousand hills. He provides for our every need and in Him we shall not want. He is faithful to the end. He is our strength, our joy, our everything.

What has God done?

He sent his son, Jesus Christ, to die for all so that all could have eternal life, not just in "the next life" but in the one we're living now. He has redeemed, provided, created, comforted, and much more. We could go on and on. More specifically, maybe he delivered you from an addiction. Maybe he comforted you when someone betrayed you, when a significant relationship ended, or when someone close to you passed away. Maybe he provided the finances you needed, whether for college, a car, or something else significant. Maybe he helped mend a relationship. Whatever it may be, He has been there.

We reflect on these things and in that find a much needed reminder. We're reminded that everything's going to be okay, that God is in control, and that whether we're going through the rocks or sailing on smooth seas, God will always be with us and continue to be faithful. We're not to sit around and be mere consumers, though. We're called to give, to take risks, to love others even when it is risky or when it hurts. We're called to live as Christ lived, glorifying God and surrendering our lives to His kingdom. We're not called to save the world though; after all, only Christ can carry the promise of the world's redemption. It doesn't mean that our work on this earth is meaningless; the work we do matters greatly: to God, to us, and to those we serve. But by not carrying that burden, the burden that the world is ours to save, we're left with incredible freedom. We can give, serve, and love freely because we believe and trust that all is in God's hands. Is it not? That hymn many of us learned in Sunday school had some great truth to it:

He's got the whole world in His hands.

It is in His hands that we entrust our lives, and with them the life of the world.

//

For a great read on this topic, check out the book "The World Is Not Ours to Save: Finding the Freedom to Do Good" by Tyler Wigg-Stevenson.

One more round.

It's January 6, 2015. I'm sitting at a coffeeshop back home, wondering about the next few months, wondering if all of this is even real. It's the year I graduate college and it seems pretty surreal. I'm not sure what I expected it to feel like, but it certainly doesn't feel like what I thought it would. It's a mixture of, "Is this really happening?!", excitement, and anticipation, all tainted with a small dose of fear and anxiety. What does the future hold? What does life look like beyond school? How will I support myself? How will I pay off my loans? And all those other "real life" things we college students on the cusp of "real adulthood" wonder about.

It's interesting looking back on these past four years. They have been filled with so much joy, adventure, new friends, and new things learned as well as much hardship, struggle, and maybe even some things I wish I could take back. Maybe it was something I said, something I did, something that doesn't really matter at all but something I worry too much about regardless. Years ago I made a commitment not to live by regrets; after all, there's nothing you can do about the past. However, it's easier said than done when you're reminded of your past and how broken you are. It's humbling, but it can also be condemning. It's the latter I've had to continually fight against, reminding myself that we all make mistakes, none of us are perfect, and as the saying goes, "smooth seas never make good sailors." I think I'll pocket that one.

It's a new year, a new semester, and change is upon us, the class of 2015. All we've ever known is school, a life measured by semesters and breaks. We're not entirely sure what's on "the other side," but whatever it is, we have to believe that it's good. We don't want to settle. Not for a life of complacency, a life of merely getting by, or a life of living by regrets. They say that life is what you make it, and as cliché as it is, it's a profound truth. Don't get me wrong, I'm all about living life to the fullest and finding and doing the very thing where your greatest passions and the world's greatest needs collide. However, sometimes life deals us a crappy hand. It might be unemployment, it might be the end of a relationship, it might be the loss of someone we love. Sometimes we're stuck in a rock and a hard place. Isn't that the illusion, though? That we're stuck? Sure, we may be stuck in a situation--we can't leave town, we have families or other responsibilities to take care of, we don't have enough money to do some thing or go on some trip like we've always wanted. It's our minds and our hearts, however, that don't have to be stuck. Life is what we make it.

I'm preaching to myself more than anyone. For so long I've felt stuck in the "doldrums" of being an upperclassmen, where I was over school one too many semesters ago and life has become a little too routine, a little too normal. Regardless of how I feel, feeling like I'm stuck, I won't give up. I will fight for adventure, fight for joy, fight for everything that's good in life and everything God intended it to be. That means striving to love everyone I come into contact with, to live a life of generosity and service, and to make life a lot less about me and a lot more about others. Everything I do I want to do for God and for others. [Yes, that does mean taking care of yourself, too! You can't take care of others if you're not taking care of yourself...]

A little over a month ago I found out I got accepted to a mission program at my school. Essentially, you commit to serving abroad for a minimum of two years and they cover your loan payments during that time. You still need to fundraise for the mission trip part, but your loans are covered while you're gone, which is huge. Emphasis on HUGE. I don't know where I'm going yet, but I'll be figuring it out over the next few weeks. We'll see where God takes me, clearly beyond anything I could've ever dreamed or imagined. He has been incredibly faithful over the 21+ years of life I've lived. He's been faithful during my four years in college and He will continue to be faithful. God is always faithful and I hope you know that. I mean, really know that.

Well, here goes one more round, one more semester. Here's to the joys, the adventures, the friends to be made (and the ones still there!), the things to be learned, and the struggles and hardships to come too.