Decisions & God's Will.

Obviously I haven't blogged for a while. The last time I wrote was when I was in Israel, just after a two-week study tour of the Holy Land. I recapped the second week of the tour and the beginning of the dig, and although I didn't recap the first week of the tour I promised I'd do so later. I intend on keeping my word, but for now, it'll have to wait. The last few months have involved much contemplation, introspection, and figuring out how to bridge the gap between who I am now and who I want to be. It's an endeavor we should all pursue no matter where we find ourselves in life. I must admit though that it might be a little bit easier to do (or maybe it's more difficult) when you're in your senior year of college, six months away from being thrust into the world of "real life" and "real adulthood."

The season I've been in for the past few months has been an interesting one. One of the biggest challenges I have faced has been decision making. Some of you may laugh at this, especially knowing how indecisive I can be--but it's a season that's been less than pleasant yet entirely necessary. It's been a season where I have had myriad opportunities before me, from the "little" things like getting involved at church to the "big" things like figuring out what I'm going to do after college. As I've prayed through, meditated on, and consulted others about the many decisions before me, God hasn't been giving me many answers. However, although there's been much silence, it's not a silence that says, "Continue to wait and seek My will," but rather a silence that says, "I don't care what you do. All of these things are in My will and it's up to you to decide which path you want to take."

I think God does that often. As crazy as it may sound, He actually trusts us. If you're as indecisive as I am, that's scary. How in the world can God trust me if I hardly trust me? And that's where we have to trust God as He trusts us. If we're seeking God and His will He will make Himself known in His time. His answer to our prayers may be "yes," "no," "not yet," or "I've got something better." However, there may be a fifth answer, an answer that says, "it's up to you." He invites us to participate with Him in His will, His purposes, and His kingdom.

This reminds me of Genesis 18, where Abraham intercedes for Sodom. According to the text, God intends to destroy Sodom and Gomorrah for their wickedness, yet Abraham intercedes on behalf of the few righteous that may be within the city. It's almost as if he changes God's mind. Let me stop and briefly address the theological issue we confront here. Who God is never changes. However, God's actions, what God does, may change. Does this mean that God Himself changes? Not at all. What God does is always consistent with who He is. In the case of Abraham, it is not that he is changing God; God is open to Abraham's petitions because He is in relationship with Abraham and that is what true, loving relationships are like. Both parties listen to each other and serve one another. It wouldn't be a true, loving relationship if God was not concerned with Abraham and his petitions. [As far as the notion of God destroying a city is concerned, I don't have time to unpack it here. I'll address it by saying that that narrative reflects Israel's history as they understood it and the theological beliefs Israel had about God. God was for them, for sure, but we must also read this text in light of the story of Christ and the overarching cause and purposes of God throughout history.]

God trusts us. His will isn't dependent upon us and what we do (or don't do), yet He desires and chooses to use us anyway. As we go through life, as we go through different seasons and phases of life, it's inevitable that we will have many decisions to make, some easy and simple and others difficult and complex. God's answers may vary, from "yes" to "no," from "not yet" to "I have something better." Yet there may be a fifth answer, one less talked about and perhaps much more difficult: "it's up to you. Either way you're in My will and I trust you regardless of the decision you make."

So, the question I leave you with is this: do you trust God?

Israeli Halfway Over Already?!

It’s Sunday, June 29^th and my time in Israel is almost halfway over. On one hand, I can’t believe it’s already halfway over; on the other hand, I can’t believe it’s only halfway over. Having had a two-week study tour and almost a full week of working at the dig site, it’s hard to comprehend all that’s happened in the last few weeks.

The second half of the study tour* was expectedly busy but just as exciting as the first half. On Wednesday, June 18th we visited the Yad Vashem Holocaust Museum, which is one of those places you can’t not visit when you’re in Israel. The exhibit took you through the tragedy chronologically, starting with Hitler’s party losing the election in 1933 and ending with the establishment of the State of Israel in 1948. For many Jews, particularly those known as Zionists, the establishment of the State of Israel was a fulfillment of biblical prophecy; the prophecy of the creation of a Jewish state, but more so that Jews would return to the Promised Land. After touring the exhibit we had the chance to hear from a Holocaust survivor, which was powerful and moving. It made it seem so real and tangible—more than some historical event in a textbook.

As we wrapped up our final days in Jerusalem we visited the Mount of Olives, the Pools of Bethesda (I was commissioned to lead a cappella worship in the church there, which had amazing acoustics!), the Via Dolorosa (the way that Catholic tradition holds Christ carried his cross), and the Church of the Holy Sepulchre (where tradition holds Christ was crucified and buried). The last five days of the tour were spent in the Galilee region; the hotel we stayed at was right on the southwestern shore of the Sea of Galilee (fun fact: it’s actually a lake!). Sites we visited while we were there included Caesarea (a major port city of Herod the Great), Mount Carmel (where Elijah had the prophets of Baal killed in 1 Kings 17), Bet She’an (the capitol city of the Decapolis mentioned in the New Testament), the Spring of Harod (where God narrowed Gideon’s army down to 300 men based on how they drank the water; cf. Judges 6:1-8:3), Nazareth (Jesus’ hometown), ancient Migdal (where Mary Magdalene is from), the Mount of Beatitudes, and Capernaum. We ended our second-to-last day with a boat ride on the Sea of Galilee; it was definitely one of the highlights of the tour. On our last day we visited Bar’am (the abandoned town where Elias Chacour, author of Blood Brothers, lived; I definitely recommend the read!), Tel Dan (it has the largest spring in the Middle East), and our final site was ancient Caesarea Philippi. We ended our time there by having communion together and everyone received a certificate certifying them as a “Jerusalem Pilgrim.” It was a great way to end the tour and an incredible two weeks that I will surely never forget.

On a boat ride in the Sea (Lake) of Galilee

As soon as the tour ended, the archaeological dig began. The tour ended last Tuesday and the dig started on Wednesday. I’m here on the dig for a total of four weeks, which is the entire dig season this year. We are digging at Abel Beth Maacah, which has many biblical references, the most prominent being 2 Samuel 20:13-22. If you’d like to follow what we’re doing at the site as the season goes along, check out the website here and/or like the site’s Facebook page here. We dig Monday through Friday and have the weekends off…thankfully! Also, during the week we dig from 5am-1pm, having the rest of the day off and avoiding the heat of the day. They really take care of us and make sure we’re not too overworked—just worked hard enough. ;)

My team and I at Area F, one of the three excavation sites on the tel

All in all, I’ve had an incredible time in Israel so far. From traveling the entire country to working at a dig site, I’d say I’ve had a good variety of experiences here. Although I don’t desire that my last few weeks go by quickly, I’m looking forward to going home and being able to see how my time here has changed me. This trip isn’t just about me but also God’s Kingdom and how my experiences can be used to benefit others in someway. On the second day of the study tour we spent some quiet time under some trees in the Wilderness of Zin. It was during that time of silence and listening to God’s voice that I first considered furthering my education and teaching Bible academically. I’m not sure what will come of that, or if it was just from my own thoughts, but I know that seeds have been planted and God is at work. It’s amazing what can happen when we take the time to “be still” and listen to God’s voice; I feel like there’s so much God wants to say to us that we don’t always hear because we’re so caught up in the busyness of life. God wants so much for us!

Thanks again for your support as I’ve been on this journey. I hope hearing about my experiences has encouraged or benefitted you in some way, not because of who I am or anything I have said but rather because of the power of the Spirit who is at work within you.

Many blessings as your summer continues!

Gary

*I will blog about my first week on the study tour later. These last couple of days have been the first two days I've had free since before I left... I'll get to it soon though! :)

Israel... the time has finally come!

If the subject of this email or the title above doesn't say it all, it looks like I'm finally headed to Israel tomorrow! It's always a strange thing, traveling. By the second and third trip you begin to feel less of the hype that you felt when you first went abroad. You're excited, no doubt, but until you've left, the place you're going to is nothing more than an abstract idea, a place you've only heard about in movies or the news or read about in books. Having grown up Christian, this trip is significantly different from any other I've been on. My life has been permeated by my faith in God, the God of the Bible; the man Jesus Christ who lived on this earth and died for our sins; and the story of God's people. The Bible has always been something I've only been able to imagine. Sure, I've seen pictures, read books, and studied the Bible, but it's an entirely different thing to be in the place where the biblical narrative took place. The Bible coming to life is one of many things I am excited for. I'm trying my best not to have any expectations, whether socially, experientially, or otherwise, about this trip. I want to be open to whatever may happen while I'm there.

I'll do my best to keep you all updated over the next six weeks while I'm there. During the first two weeks I will be on a study tour with 15 (or so) others, traveling all over Israel and visiting sites pertinent to the Bible (i.e. the Dead Sea and Jerusalem). After the study tour I will be on a four-week archaeological dig in northern Israel (Galilee area). If you'd like to know more about the site I'll be at, check out their website at http://www.abel-beth-maacah.org/. There's more than enough information to be found there, including past discoveries and the significance of this site. We will have a total of 65 people participating in the dig this season, whether for two weeks, three weeks, or the entire four. With that much help, we're going to be able to excavate much more of the site than we'd be able to otherwise!

Along with email updates, which I will try to keep brief--let me know if you'd like to be added to that list!--I will be updating this blog, which I have had for a couple years now and have used for life and other trip updates (for example, all blog posts from my time in South Africa can be found here). I'll also be updating Facebook, Instagram, and other things along the way, so if you happen to be following me on any other social media, stay tuned for updates there as well!

Again, I thank you all for your prayers and financial support as I've been on this journey. At Christmastime I didn't think I was going to be able to go to Israel due to finances. In January, the night before the application was due, I felt the conviction that God can provide and we shouldn't let finances be an excuse to not take opportunities that God has given us a heart for. Between February and April I was able to fundraise all needed funds, which also included my mission trip to Mexico in March and choir tour in South Korea last month. I am humbled to be given this opportunity and do not take it for granted. My only hope is that God uses me as He wills on this trip and that it would mold me into the man I need to be for God's Kingdom. So, I take back what I said before--I do have one expectation, and that's it.

Well, this is it! The next time you hear from me I'll finally be in the Holy Land. Until then, many blessings!

Gary

Oppa Gangnam Style!

"How was Africa?" The question I struggled with when I came back from my semester abroad in South Africa. How do you sum up an entire four months of experience in a few words? Most didn't want any more than that. Those that did were far and few. Their availability and intentionality allowed for a few extra words, words to give life to the memory of four months' worth of experiences.

"How was Korea?" Not as difficult, but a tough question nonetheless. A question I've faced in the last couple of weeks as I got back from South Korea two weeks ago.

"Busy and exhausting, but good. Got to do some cool things and have some meaningful experiences."

Solid. Nothing but vague generalities and a question pretty much left unanswered. Meaningfully, at least.

So this is how Korea really was.

The night before we left, April 30th, we found out that our director, Harold Clousing, was admitted to the hospital for possible renal (kidney) failure. A choir tour without Harold would be like having a burrito without a tortilla; it just wouldn't work. Sure enough we were worried. I'm not sure we were worried about tour being a flop as much as we were concerned about not having our musical and spiritual mentor and friend. Harold had never not gone on tour before; again, it just didn't happen. He always went. We prayed, sent out prayer requests, and hoped for the report of a false alarm. But the report never came.

We departed for South Korea on Thursday, May 1st, without our director. It was Thursday of finals week, which meant we had to get some of our finals done ahead of time. We took off with Dave Bixby, the Executive Vice President of APU. That had been planned from the get-go; also planned was the arrival of Jon Wallace, our university's president, for the second third of tour and Steve Johnson, the Dean of the School of Music, for the final third of tour. We also had Dr. Kim, or "Mama Kim" as we came to call her, with us for the entire tour. She had planned the entire thing as she had myriad connections over in South Korea. Leading us musically was to be Michael Klein, a senior music major with a big heart for music and an even bigger heart for God. Leading us generally was our choir president, Michael McClellan, and the rest of the Board with him. They really stepped it up as far as leadership goes; it almost made it less strange that Harold wasn't there.

"Mama Kim" and I on the last day of tour

We arrived in Korea on Friday, May 2nd around 6pm. We had jumped ahead 16 hours into the future, which was kind of trippy. Our first full day, Saturday, was spent in Seoul, where we got to explore. Some friends and I ventured around and visited a Buddhist temple before taking the subway to the other side of the city to a mall complex that included "Lotte World," a theme park inside the mall. Supposedly it was "the Disneyland of Korea," but having been to Disneyland many times before I chose not to believe it as to not be disappointed. We spent the end of our afternoon near the place where we had been dropped off; there were streets with myriad shops and more than enough people. We also got to visit the Myeongdong Cathedral, which was right up the street.

Myeongdong Cathedral

Sunday, May 4th began our actual tour. We sang at two churches: one in the morning and one in the evening. The one in the evening was Myungsung Church, where we sang for a congregation of 10,000 people. We couldn't wear shoes on stage, a custom common in Korean culture (not the stage part but the "no shoes" part), and having screens all over the church made it all too distracting, as you would see yourself and try not to smile. Fortunately we got used to that and it got easier as tour went on. Singing at those two churches, as it was throughout most of tour, we sang for 20-25 minutes as a part of a church service. Although we do that on a typical tour we also usually have a full concert in the evenings; not having that in Korea took some getting used to. It was one of many things that made tour different from any other we'd been on.

Singing at Myungsung Church, the second-largest Presbyterian church in South Korea

Monday, May 5th was Children's Day, a national holiday. It was especially significant because of the ferry tragedy that had happened a few weeks prior; many parents were having their first Children's Day without their children. In the morning we visited a missionary cemetery, learning about how the Gospel was brought to Korea and the many missionaries who died in the process. It's amazing how so many sacrificed their lives in pursuit of spreading the Gospel. That afternoon we went to An San Memorial Park, where we went to the official memorial altar for the ferry tragedy. We got to put roses on the altar and singing the first part of "Arirang," a traditional Korean folk song, the lyrics of which are from a woman to a man, lovers separated but anticipating being together again. It's a song that captures many emotions, including longing, sorrow, anger, and hope. It's a song that flows from the heart of every Korean, especially in light of the ferry tragedy. Many were crying, including those of us in the choir. It was an out-of-body experience I will never forget.

A yellow ribbon, signifying hope in the safe return of the ferry tragedy victims

Tuesday, May 6th was Buddha's Birthday and we spent the day at a traditional Korean folk village. It was interesting getting to learn more about Korea's past and witness (in a sense) traditional Korean culture. My friends and I ate lunch on this elevated platform with low-rise tables where you would sit on the ground and eat (without shoes, of course). Overall it was a good day; something I appreciated about the first half of tour was that we had ample down time to rest (our voices) and recover. Things got busier as the tour went on, as we were singing multiple times a day for multiple events.

Eating lunch at the traditional Korean folk village

Wednesday, May 7th was one of those days I was talking about; we sang three times that day. In the morning we sang at Suwon Central Baptist Church. In the early afternoon we sang at a convalescent home the church had established, which was a highlight for many of the guys on tour. The woman I stood next to (we sang in the round) kept holding my hand and speaking to me in Korean; obviously I didn't know what she was saying, but I smiled and held her hand in return. Everyone there was so sweet. It was great to minister in a setting like that one; it was very different from what we usually did but I'm glad we made the trip. That evening we had a full concert at Shinchon Holiness Church; it was then that Dave Bixby flew back to the States and Jon Wallace came out to meet us.

Singing at the Suwon Central Baptist Church convalescent home

Thursday, May 8th was Parent's Day (talk about coming during holiday week!), significant for the same reason as Children's Day. Our call time that morning was the earliest it'd been all of tour, which was something like 5 am. That morning we sang at the Far East Broadcasting Company, which turned out to be a sort of church service televised internationally. Despite being tired we enjoyed singing there; again, it was an experience much different from what we usually do. We were back at the hotel by mid-morning and got to do whatever we wanted for the rest of the day. Some friends and I went into Seoul and explored some more; we walked everywhere, visiting Gyeongbok Palace, another Buddhist temple, another palace, and other places as well. That night we had dinner at a hole-in-the-wall Korean restaurant down an alleyway. It was a little sketchy, but those places usually end up having the best food; the food did end up being pretty good!

Kyle, Macklin, and I on top of a Buddhist temple

Friday, May 9th was a very full day. That morning we sang at Ewha Women's University, the leading women's university in all of South Korea, for their chapel service. We sang a song with them as well, entitled "Peace Prayer of St. Francis." After the service we took a group picture, right after which the "selfie craze" ensued. I have to admit, I myself was guilty of it. It got crazy though because someone would pull out their phone and everyone, Korean and American, would flock to them to get into the picture. The "fame" aspect of tour was yet another element that made it different from our typical tours. In America we're a bunch of college guys singing praise music; in Korea you'd have thought we were One Direction. Especially because of our mission and what we do, this was nothing short of peculiar. One would think being a ministry choir and being "celebrities" wouldn't go together, but in Korea, they sure did! There are endless stories about Korean girls who searched desperately all over Facebook to find their "true love," a Men's Chorale guy that they had randomly bumped into and said a few words to at a performance we had. We all had a good laugh about it but did our best to remember why we were in Korea in the first place. After singing for the chapel service we were given a tour of the university, and I'll tell you, it's a really nice university! The architecture, which is amazing pretty much everywhere in Korea, was beautiful. That night we sang at Yoido Full Gospel Church, the world's largest Presbyterian church, which has somewhere around 20,000 congregants that attend its services throughout the week. Globally it has about 1,000,000 members. I later found out that the service we sang for was a 9 pm to 4 am service; we only sang for 20 minutes, which was tough for some of us as the front two rows had to kneel the entire time because there weren't any risers. I have to say, it's probably one of the toughest things I've ever done! Those of us who had kneeled could hardly walk afterwards; your legs felt like lead and you had to hold onto the wall to stabilize yourself. Again, another aspect of tour that we laughed about later.

Men's Chorale guys with some of the Ewha Women's University choir members

Saturday, May 10th we sang at CBS, the Christian Broadcasting Station, with their children's choir. They sang for us, we sang for them, and we ended up doing a joint performance outside in the middle of a shopping complex. The rest of the afternoon was spent having lunch and playing a game similar to dodgeball (us Men's Chorale guys were the targets, of course). We hung out with them at a shopping center until we left. That night we sang at a choir festival--again, something we don't usually do. It was especially interesting considering that all other choirs were singing traditional choral music while we were singing praise music. It was fun to sing for and listen to other choirs though; having grown up doing choir I appreciated the exposure to choral music and other ensembles.

Men's Chorale with the CBS Children's Choir

Sunday, May 11th was spent at GwangMyung Presbyterian Church, our "home church" in Korea (we joked that every church we sang at was our home church). Jon Wallace preached, which was refreshing, as most sermons we weren't able to understand. Fortunately several of the churches we sang at during tour provided headsets so that we could listen to the sermon in English via a translator. In the morning we sang several songs for each of three services and in the evening we had a full concert. My friends, Nick and Eric, and I met a woman named Ruth whose husband's name was Boaz and their children's names were Mary, Joseph, and Hannah (all English names, of course). We spent a lot of time talking to them, including talking to Joseph about APU and Men's Chorale and how great it is. Having been hindered from developing relationships with and getting to know the Korean people for most of tour by a language barrier it was great getting to meet them and being able to have a thorough conversation with them.

Hannah, Joseph, me, Eric, Ruth, and Nick

On Monday, May 12th we went back to Ewha Women's University, where we spent the day and had a joint concert with them that night. What was cool about it was that not only did we get to sing a couple Korean pieces with them but we also got to sing some of our own repertoire with them as well. Knowing how difficult it was for us to learn the Korean pieces I had a lot of respect for them for taking the time to learn some of our pieces in English.

Tuesday, May 13th was spent at the DMZ, or Demilitarized Zone. Essentially it's a buffer zone between North and South Korea, established out of an armistice (peace agreement) at the end of the Korean War. Although it temporarily divides the two Koreas the Korean people have hopes of reunification one day. North Korea usually gets a bad rep because of its leadership, but the North Korean people as a whole are oppressed and want to be reunited with their South Korean brothers and sisters. We spent the beginning of the tour at a tourist site a little ways from the actual DMZ; there were monuments, statues, and other memorabilia there. Later we crossed into the DMZ, which required your passport, and had lunch there before going to the third of four infiltration tunnels. They were discovered by South Korea and created by North Korea as part of a plan to invade the South. We hiked far down into one tunnel that eventually took us into the original tunnel dug by North Korea. It was humid, unpaved, and you had to crouch down or lean over the entire time. The end of the tunnel (where tourists were allowed to go) was still a ways from the North Korean side of the DMZ, but it was somewhere around seven stories underground! After that we went to a lookout point that looked into North Korea. Unfortunately the weather was hazy and we couldn't see very much, but you could still see some of it, which was crazy. It's one thing to hear about a place and it's another to see it in person. Visiting the DMZ and getting to see North Korea was one of the major highlights of tour. That night we had a full concert, again singing at the Far East Broadcasting Company. It was undoubtedly one of the best performances we had on tour.

At the first tourist site we visited near the Demilitarized Zone

Wednesday, May 14th we switched hotels and traveled further south. We spent the day at Baeksoek University, rehearsing with their choir and hanging out with them in the afternoon. I ended up in a large group of Men's Chorale guys and Baeksoek University students. We basically hung out and ended up singing for each other in their campus common area. That night we sang for their chapel service.

Thursday, May 15th we sang at a seminary for their chapel service in the morning. That evening we sang with the Baeksoek University Chamber Choir for a joint concert.

Me with some of the members of the Baeksoek University Chamber Choir

Friday, May 16th we sang at an international high school. A long bus ride beforehand proved harmful to our voices as we had a pretty rough performance that morning. The school was hospitable and we were each partnered with a student (or students), who we had lunch with and hung out with until we left. Although the students I was with spoke broken English we were able to communicate fairly well. That night we sang at Gwangju City Hall with The Singers, a women's choir from the community. We sang really well that night, which became the best performance we'd had all year. It was an outstanding night of music that I'm sure we'll never forget.

Me with my hosts at the international high school we visited

Saturday, May 17th we went to an all-girls high school, which was scheduled similarly to our time at the international high school. We sang for a part of their assembly and they had some performances for us as well. Some girls did a traditional Korean dance, some others danced to a K-Pop medley, still others did a skit telling of Korea's history (of oppression) with Japan, and they ended it with a flash mob that we got to partake in the second time. It was pretty fun! After that we had lunch with our host student (there were 2-3 of us per host student) and hung out until we left. My friend Gabe and I were hosted by a girl named Ji Hoo, who was quiet but so friendly and spoke great English. When we got back to the hotel we had the rest of the day off. We started debrief, a time where guys take turns sharing whatever they want in front of the entire Chorale, and relaxed the rest of the day. We were very tired and were grateful for the time to rest.

Me, Gabe, and Ji Hoo

Sunday, May 18th was our last full day of tour. We sang at Wolgwang Church, where we spent the day. We sang for three church services in the morning, continued debrief in the afternoon, and had our final concert (of tour and the year) that night. It was a really good night. We as a Chorale have talked often about how before anything else we are worshipers and I think we really got it that night. It felt good to let it all go and worship God simply because God deserves it. After our concert we finished debrief, which ended at 12:30 am. We didn't get back to the hotel until 1 am or so and some of us ended up staying up all night. I hadn't intended on staying up all night, but my dislike for packing caused me to put it off for a while. I also wanted to hang out with the guys, seeing as it was the last night of tour and the last time many of us would be together.

Dios es fiel.

The week before last was completely insane. I crammed all my research for a major paper into one day, attempted to visit a non-profit for a project only to get a flat tire on the way, helped present for Common Day of Learning on adjusting to your home culture after having a cross-cultural experience, dealt with the craziness of "Decision Day" and began to figure everything out that getting R.A. would have taken care of, and had tons of other homework. Needless to say it was a lot.

At church on Sunday my pastor made a point during his sermon, that it wasn't about success or failure, but being obedient and faithful to God.

In chapel the next day the speaker shared her story of how she came to L.A. to pursue a career in the film industry, ending with the point that it wasn't about success or failure, but being obedient and faithful to God.

At the commissioning service for Mexico on Tuesday night the speaker shared a few things, ending on the note that it wasn't about success or failure, but being obedient and faithful to God. Okay, God, I get it. Clearly You're trying to tell me something. But I as strived to figure out how it tied in with my present circumstances, I failed to do so. It just didn't click... yet.

In my leadership class on Wednesday evening we began with a devotional from My Utmost for His Highest, as we usually did. Although in different words, the premise of it was that it wasn't about success or failure, but being obedient and faithful to God. I laughed when I heard it.

By the end of the week I was exhausted. I was beyond over school and ready to get away from the busyness and chaos of college life. I anticipated my week in Mexico being the thing I needed most, with me coming back refreshed and recharged. I didn't want to have too many expectations, however, as I know things don't always go as we plan or want them to be. So I threw off all expectations as I went into the trip.

I was one of the drivers for my team, which I thoroughly enjoyed as I don't get to drive when I'm at school and I love driving. Of course the most difficult part was finding the balance between following speed limits and staying with your caravan; the two didn't always coincide. I had the same issues driving home. I don't think I've ever prayed so much before, but sure enough, God protected us. No tickets or accidents. Hallelujah! ;)

Our first full day in Mexico, Sunday, was spent making a Walmart run and hanging out at base camp most of the day. There was plenty team bonding, which was much needed. Although it was difficult at first, being in Mexico and "not doing anything," I was grateful for it. Always good connecting with those you're serving with before you go out and do ministry.

Monday through Thursday were spent at the orphanage, Agua de Vida. Definitely one of the coolest ministries I've ever been able to witness. There are somewhere between 25 and 30 kids who live there, ranging from the age of infant to 17. Although most of them come from difficult pasts and rough circumstances, they take care of each other. They defend each other at school and help out around the orphanage. I have no doubt that being raised in a Godly environment helps this. Mario and Veronica Santos, the couple who started the orphanage, have incredible hearts. They've been obedient to God's calling on their lives and give it their all. Mario is American and Veronica is Mexican; they married 25 years ago, spent their first 15 years of marriage in Southern California, then took their three kids and moved to Mexico to start the orphanage. It's now been 10 years. I can't tell you the number of stories they have about God's miraculous provision. Incredible stories.

At the beginning of the week I felt distracted, not present. Monday night we spent some time in prayer and saw every thing we had prayed for come to fruition not just the next day but all week. The weather cooled off. We had strength and energy like we hadn't had before. We were filled with incredible joy. It was so much and so good. We spent most of our time at the orphanage hanging out with the kids. It wasn't us going in and implementing our own plans but rather being present and witnessing the things already going on. Although it could have been difficult we quickly became okay with that. It was such a blessing. At the end of the week, however, we did throw a birthday party for a sweet girl named Sarai. She was turning 10. We had a piñata, played games, and ended the day with cake and "Happy Birthday." It was cool seeing the kids open up as the week went on. Their unique personalities began to show, all the more amazing seen in light of the hardships they had been through.

It wasn't until I was home Friday night, talking to my grandma, that it finally clicked. Everything God had been speaking to me the week before finally made sense. Initially, and even throughout the week, I felt frustrated because I felt like I relationally "failed" with the kids. I didn't get close with any of them and because of it it wasn't too difficult saying goodbye. I felt like it should have been and that frustrated me. "It's not about success or failure, but being obedient and faithful to God." Failure, however we define it, doesn't matter. The point is that we made ourselves available, were willing, and present. I was able to end my time in Mexico feeling joyful and full of peace because it's not about me and my own "successes." It's never been about either of those; it's about God and doing what we're called to do.

The expectations I had thrown off about getting close with my team were also blown out of the water. I left every expectation behind yet was blessed with a team that was fun to be with, authentic and transparent, and strives to live like Christ. We hung out the night we got back and are planning to do so this coming weekend as well. Even if we didn't though and the only time we were together was in Mexico, that would've been enough. Again, it's not about success or failure, in whatever sense, but being obedient and faithful.

When that is enough you are truly free.

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Check out a video highlighting my time in Mexico:

Vimeo: http://vimeo.com/89218344

YouTube: http://youtu.be/ciOBFCKOrrg

Peace Like A River.

It's Thursday evening and I'm relaxing at home as it is finally the beginning of spring break. All I've felt today is an incredible sense of peace, a peace that surpasses all understanding. Sometimes I wonder what that actually means, "surpassing all understanding." The ironic thing is when we try to explain it; after all, it does surpass all understanding. However, in my current situation I find it to surpass understanding because it did not come from me. It came through prayer, reflection, and receiving the wisdom of others. You're probably wondering what I'm talking about and for that reason I'll back up a bit.

Last weekend was crazy as I didn't have much time for homework; I had a variety of commitments that made the weekend busy. On Saturday morning I went to a men's breakfast at my church and then spent that evening and night volunteering for a non-profit at a concert. Sunday was busy with church in the morning and a Men's Chorale concert that had me gone for most of the day. And then the week began.

I'm currently taking my writing intensive requirement, which requires a research paper that we work on in pieces throughout the semester. All my research was due by midnight on Tuesday so I spent some of Monday evening (the only time I had to work on it that day) and all of Tuesday (literally... all of it) working on it. I submitted the assignment at 11:57 p.m. and breathed a sigh of relief as I felt like I had just run a mental marathon.

Yesterday was crazy for numerous reasons. Another Men's Chorale performance required a good portion of the day, followed by class, followed by the first grief support event held on campus that I had the privilege of being on the panel for. And then there was the fact that it was "Decision Day." For those of you that do not know what that is, essentially it is a day when all decisions are announced regarding most of the leadership positions on campus. It's a great and awful day all at the same time; great because many rejoice over getting positions that they applied and interviewed for, but difficult because many others are let down that they did not get the position they applied for. I will admit that not getting a position you applied for can be difficult; I myself have been denied numerous positions on campus, most of which would have taken place this year. The first significant instance happened my sophomore year and I must admit that at first I didn't take it very well. If you aren't careful it's easy to let a position define your worth or status and not getting that position left me feeling like I was inadequate in some way. Of course that is not true and I have come far since then.

This year I applied and interviewed to be a Resident Advisor, which I did not get. What made it difficult was not so much not getting the position (though I was disappointed I didn't get it) but rather the implications of what it meant for the future: all of a sudden I had myriad things to figure out, including my living situation, classes, and other school involvement for next year. Being future minded can be beneficial in many ways, but when you are someone like me who can let that affect being present and in the moment it tends not to be a good thing.

I called a couple of my closest family members and talked with my roommates to get their input on things. I only did this because there were a couple of decisions I had to make regarding one position I was given the option to be an alternate for and another I was offered but had to decide whether or not to accept it, both by Friday. By the end of last night I more or less came to a conclusion of what decisions I needed to make and decided that sleeping on it would be best, especially considering by the time those conversations had happened it was almost midnight and I had barely started on my homework.

I woke up this morning having gotten about six hours of sleep, six hours being my nightly average for the past week or so. Of course this general lack of sleep was concerning as it makes you more prone to sickness, among other things. It also concerned me because I am going to Mexico on Saturday for a week-long mission trip and I would not want to go into the trip sick and/or tired.

I woke up today feeling an incredible sense of peace. Despite the grogginess and hours I had to spend on homework this morning it permeated my thoughts and my entire sense of being. By the time my day ended, which was around 5 p.m., I reflected on my day and thought, "It's been a really good day." Reflecting on what happened today it did not make much sense; I was sleep-deprived, had classes all day, and nothing out of the ordinary happened. When I realized this it made that peace all the more significant as I knew it had not come from me. All I could think of was how it must have been that peace from God that surpasses all understanding, the peace we are promised if we are not anxious about anything and give all our requests to God through prayer and thanksgiving. God followed through on that promise and it has given me much strength and joy.

As I go to Mexico this weekend I trust that God has prepared me for such a time as this. I trust that God has a plan, God is in control, and it is my hope that I will stay open to God's leading and the things God wants to do while 300 others and I are down there. In the least I can say that I am beyond excited for the trip; I anticipate that being detached for a while from technology, homework, life on this side of the border, and anything else familiar will be refreshing and exciting. Other than that I do not have any expectations, but even then I probably should not have the expectation that I will come back refreshed. For all I know the week may be challenging and draining. Regardless of how things go, what I am sure of is that the peace of God is going before us, with us, and after us. It is that peace that I pray we all come to know, not just on a mission trip or during times of trial but each and every day of our lives as we strive to live for a purpose that goes far beyond ourselves.

The Aches of a Heart.

Today is Sunday, February 2nd, 2014.

Five years ago today was Monday, February 2nd, 2009. The day after the Steelers beat the Cardinals in the Super Bowl. That was the day my father died.

It was a day like any other. I went to school, with plenty going on. Scarlet & Gold, the choir I was in, was busy practicing for the val-o-gram fundraiser that we were putting on in a couple of weeks. In physics we were building roller coasters, which was a pretty sweet alternative to homework. Everything was normal.

When I got home from school I took a nap, did some homework, and before I knew it it was dinnertime. Mom had made sloppy joe's for dinner. We hadn't heard from Dad for a while, but I figured he had been out all day working. It wasn't usual for him to be gone until late running errands or doing things for work. Mom mentioned how she hadn't heard from him since lunch, which she seemed slightly concerned about.

A little later Grandpa Gary showed up. Said he also hadn't heard from Dad in a while. Don't worry about it, I told myself. He'll come home. He always does.

Eight o'clock rolls around and I'm on the phone with a close friend from school. We were talking about all the amazing things that God was doing on campus. I was walking around the house as I was talking to her, and I happened to come to the front windows that overlooked the street. And that's when I saw it.

A cop car, with two policemen, was parked across the street. They were getting out of the car. And that's when my heart sank: the worst had happened. There was no doubt about it. I rushed to the front door, hung up on my friend, and answered the door.

"Is your mom here?" the policeman asked. Before I could even turn around to call for her, my mom came flying down the steps. She was in her bedroom, talking on the phone, but she must've been looking out her window as well. She went out onto the front porch to talk with the officers and I recall going to the kitchen. Franticly pacing because I was getting really worried. A few seconds later I heard it.

It was the wail of a woman who had just lost her husband. The wail of a woman whose world came crashing down. The wail of a woman who was incredibly strong. The wail of a woman whose strength was taken from under her. My strength went too, and my world also came crashing down.

Tears. Lots of tears. I called anyone I could think of, anyone who would care. Most people didn't answer their phones. Go figure, I thought. One of my best friends from childhood did answer, but he couldn't understand me through the emotional wreck that I was and told me to call him back later.

My first prayer: "God, I love You. God, I love You. God, I LOVE You." All I could pray, not just on that night, but for weeks. I don't take any credit for this. I can't take any credit for it. I can't take any credit for it because on my own I'm not great. I'm not some amazing superhuman who can handle anything. I'm not some righteous, better-than-anyone human being. I am just like the rest of you. I have fears, doubts, desires, needs, and everything else typical to humanity. All of this to say I can only attribute those initial prayers to the amazing grace of an incredible God.

Everything from that point on was a blur. Dana, my brother's best friend's mom, came over. Told my brother and I to stay home. All I wanted was to leave. I had to see him. I had to see the dead body of my father to believe that he was actually gone. I was sure I was being lied to. I was sure that it was all a joke. This isn't my life, I thought. This can't be my life.

Eventually my Grandpa Gary and Aunt Christine were over. All I remember is embracing them, along with my brother, and weeping. All of us. Exclamations of grief, questions asking where my dad was, hugs trying to make sense of it all. Hugs that seemed to be our only glimpse of hope.

More family came in that night. Grandma Kathy, Papa Steve, aunts, uncles, more grandparents... more and more people came. At one point our house had 30 people sleeping in it. Floors, beds, couches, and anything else one could sleep on were all taken. I barely slept that first night. Maybe five hours.

That first morning I didn't want to eat. In fact, I wanted to starve myself. I already felt so close to the edge of my humanity and life itself; what was a little more pain? Aunt Misty made me eat. I was reluctant, but did so anyways. Figured it was probably good for me. I'm thankful for people like Aunt Misty to have helped me in the little things at that time, such as eating. She blessed me in more ways than she will ever know.

My friend Lydia called me that morning. Stepped out of class after reading the newspaper. It wouldn't have been hard for her to miss. "Kennewick man dies in fatal crash," read the front-page headlines. Seeing the name "Gary S. Conachan, Jr." didn't help either for I also carry my father's name. Answering her call assured her that it was in fact my father who had passed away and not me. Not that it made it any easier.

Grandpa Ron and one of my uncles (I think?--really, it's all a blur) took me to the store with them. We picked up a few newspapers. I read the words on the page, but I wasn't reading about my own life. I was reading about the life of another 15-year-old boy named Gary. A boy who had lost his father in a terrible car accident. I felt terrible for him. What a loss that must've been. Oh, wait. That's me. Numb. I felt numb.

I didn't go to school for two weeks. I missed classes, val-o-grams, projects, homework assignments--I missed it all. But I didn't care. Nothing else mattered at that point. Friends visited and people brought food--SO MUCH FOOD--and consolations. Pastors came with the same. I've never felt more loved or supported than I did in those two weeks. It was truly amazing.

Life had to go on. If we didn't let it, we'd debilitate ourselves and die of hopelessness. So we got up. We chose to fight, to push on. With whatever fragment of strength and will we had left, we moved forward. It felt awkward. It didn't feel right. But what choice did we have? Time pushed us along; we didn't have any say in the matter.

Losing my dad wrecked me. I lost one of my best friends, the one man who understood me more than anyone. I lost a man who loved me unconditionally, no matter what I did or said. We laughed and joked around, sometimes making him seem like the "third child." We did so much together growing up. He truly was a man with a big heart. He was extremely loving, had a gentle spirit about him, and had one of the greatest smiles--if only he'd smiled with his teeth more. Anyone that knew him knows he hated to do so; but he smiled a lot anyways. The funny, quirky things about my dad that I miss deeply.

Over the next five years I went through a lot. I overcame condemnation, a self-hatred rooted so deeply that it debilitated me. Not only did I not match up to others but I felt like I was far beyond saving. I felt like no one cared. My self-esteem was incredibly low. I was a mess.

I doubted my identity. I doubted my manhood, for if my father was the only sense of manhood I'd had to hold onto, what else did I have? Thus began the search for the thing that was within me all along. The search driven by a perceived lack, telling me that I wasn't enough and that I would only be "enough" via things external to me. Thus began a long and painful struggle. Somehow God was present through it all. Somehow God held onto me. I didn't understand it, but God knew what God was doing. God was in control and that was all that mattered; it's all that's ever mattered.

I stand here today, five years after my dad passed away and I'm a little more pieced together. I'm still broken. I've still got many struggles and things I deal with on a daily basis. But things are getting better. Little by little, things are improving. It doesn't mean that I have to fake it--though it's tempting and I have succumbed to it often--or be perfect. I never will be perfect. But I do have the power to be real. I can be authentic to everyone around me. And so I strive to be.

I also strive to find all my security and affirmation in Christ alone. My identity doesn't depend on the affirmation of others nor the amount of Facebook or Instagram likes I receive. (You laugh, but how many of us subconsciously think that?! I know I have!) Encouragement from others is edifying and taken seriously, but it's not the lifeblood from which I live. I say this more out of faith than anything. I want it to be true in my life. I so desperately want it to be true in my life.

God loves each and every one of you.

We don't understand tragedy and we probably never will.

The One we can always trust in is God.

God is always faithful and always in control.

Whatever happens in life, we can always move forward. We can always pick ourselves back up and choose to live for a purpose so much greater than our own. It's not a life of faking it or having to be strong all the time, no; in fact, it's a life that requires being real and honest, both in the good and the bad, admitting your strengths and your struggles, and depending on God and others. God comes first and is our everything. But we're also called to live with each other. We're to carry each other, sharpen each other, and support each other. If there's anything you get from this post I hope you know that there is hope. Trust and believe that there is hope. You are loved and valued more than you may ever know. Live for God's purposes and God's Kingdom and everything else will fall into place. Again, it doesn't mean life will be easy or perfect--in fact, it most likely will be the opposite--but Christ is the Solid Rock on which we stand.

And it is on that Rock that I share my story.

To GOD be all glory.